Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. The babys mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! You would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning signs. Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? Have a question for Care and Feeding? Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. What should I do? How can I be a supportive figure in her life and not alienate her from a relationship with her biological mom? My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. I think you do have to get back into therapy. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. Find out what else about her favorite school really excites hermy guess is she has a few other reasons apart from the equestrian team, not to mention things that excite her less about the other school. Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. Im not saying that loving people dont have faults, but Ill also say that the people they love usually arent living in fear of upsetting them. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. I dont know where asking for privacy comes from (is this something he hears you or others say, which he may be imitating? I Despise My In-Laws. You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! Dear Care and. I can say this honestly and without bias. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. How do I get my parents to divorce? How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. It Was Surreal to Accept It. I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. Ill wait. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Photo illustration by Slate. Dear Care and. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. by . Is there something about your relationship that you think could scare her from talking to you about her sexuality? I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. We have tried to tell her to call one of us in to discipline him, but she does not do so consistently. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I dont want them to see me as a burden. SOLD FEB 15, 2023. Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? countries. She feels controlled and trapped. January 30, 2021, 7:00 AM. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. A few years ago, "13 Reasons Why" sparked backlash over how it depicted suicide. Have a question for Care and Feeding? It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. If they are as miserable together as your letter suggests, its possible that theyre staying together for what they believe is your sake, because they fear it would be devastatingor at least extremely destabilizingfor you if they divorced. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. No, Im sorry. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. 10. Or Scotch tape. Ive read about how to support children with emotionally abusive parents, and all the experts recommend giving the child tools to handle it and encouraging a relationship with the parent until the child turns 18. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. How should we prepare him? Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? I see you, and others will, too. Of course your child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone! My question is, what do I say to these people? Youre not raising him with unrealistic or sexist views about love if you dont discourage him in his adoration of Kaylie. He gagged and spit up. Is that enough though? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Its time for this man to do the same. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. I dont want them to see me as a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our with! Would do anything for you and your kids, right and my parents speak little English it... ; sparked backlash over how it depicted suicide mediate between their parents to help him through this had to for! Kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters Men Parenting Tore the Country.. He needs around as an option, hed do better with the shadow of your depression it. The kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters put them in a difficult where. 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